Caro's Story
Normally my stories always start with, when I was
born… I believe there’s not enough context if I don’t start from the beginning,
right? Context is important to me, others might prefer that I cut to the chase,
but how about the transformation? the journey? don’t you need a before and an
after to compare? Well, this time I’m not starting with “when I was born”,
you’re lucky, but it does start with: “over 2 years ago in November 2016, I
went to Israel on a business trip and spent an afternoon in Jerusalem”. I
couldn’t describe, even months after, that afternoon. What did it mean. I had
gone to Jerusalem for the food, the market, the historical sites, the
best company ever and I confess, the selfie too. When I tried to tell the story
I would start tearing up, couldn’t speak, I was feeling so much. My friend Asaf
asked me back then, so what… you’re going to become all religious now? And I
said nah… no way! If you don’t know what I’m talking about you can just click back to
my previous entry, read about how I fell in love with the people of Israel and
my afternoon in Jerusalem, below an edited version.
The Church of the Holy Sepulcher? WOW... I didn’t
realize what it really was or meant. I was told “we’re going to show you the
place where Jesus was crucified and where his tomb is, where he resuscitated”.
For me this was a place far gone, lost in history, an open space, but I was
wrong. They built a Church around it…!I stopped believing or practicing
Catholicism’s, if there’s such a thing, when I couldn’t agree with the Catholic
Church. I do believe that there is something, I just don’t know what it is… but
it’s not strong enough for me to have what many call Faith. For me it's more a
believe, to be good and do good.Asaf tells me, we “must” go upstairs so you can
see the stone where Jesus’s cross was placed when he was crucified. After
a wait we were allowed upstairs. There was some sort of ceremony going on and
prayers, we were asked to stay in silence. I was standing in what was
called Golgotha or also knows as Calvary, the mount where Jesus Christ was
crucified. When we were allowed to get closer, I went into the covered area in
the picture, under the red cover. It was literally an X marks the spot where
Jesus’s cross was placed. Suddenly the fact that Jesus was crucified and that
he was a person became true to me. I was at the place where one man gave up his
life to save us all and for the first time, as an adult, I believed. I hurt for
this person who went through everything He did, who to this day I follow his
teachings and I believed in Him. I felt love and pain, I felt loved by this Man
who believed that He had to die to save us all and He did this out of love for
us. In a matter of minutes, I went through a personal journey. What I was
feeling was overwhelming and except for when I was that little girl, for the
first time as an adult I had Faith. When we left the Church I could
not talk, I could not stop crying. Not sure what Asaf and Golan thought of me
but they kept saying, it’s normal, you’re not the first person to cry when you
come here and you won’t be the last. We had another important stop before
we headed back to the city. The Wailing Wall or the Western Wall. We went
praying. To the left went the men and to the right the woman. Being at the
Church and going through the experience that I went had me feeling very
spiritual and with this came my prayers. For the first time in over 30 years I
started to pray for real. Guess what? Of course, I started to cry… come on, at
the point I was in total high sensitivity mode. I had my head leaning against
the wall and like Golan said: “Carolina, this is like having a direct line with
God, pray. All the other times it was long distance”. And he has no idea how
true this was to me… I laid my head on the Wailing Wall and prayed and while I
prayed I felt that all my worries and sorrow were being lifted away, I purged
myself from all the bad that has happened in my life for the last 30 years and
I also forgave myself for anything that I needed to forgive myself for. At the
end I was still crying, but I was crying of joy. I left the Wall with a smile
on my face. When Golan saw me, he asked me with a smile: “What? Why are you
crying now?” he had told me that I had a direct line and this girl used it!
What I didn’t write then in my blog was that when I
stood up from that super “X” I turned to Asaf crying like a baby and repeating
over and over again… you don’t understand… He died for us because He loved us.
This man that I don’t know who He was, loved us SO MUCH that he gave His
life for ours, He believed in what He did. This came completely out of nowhere
for me, I was in shock. Remember? I went for the food! Asaf kept saying,
it’s normal Carolina… everybody that comes here has the same reaction… I was
nope… YOU don’t understand! He loved us, He died for us. I could feel His love,
His love for me and I didn’t know Him. I hurt for Him and for His pain. We met
up with Golan who was waiting for us, when he sees me crying he turns to Asaf
with a “what happened here?” face. Asaf looks at him with a “yeah… been here,
they do that…” face. I just repeated to him, He died because He loved us, to
save us. I wanted to know more, explore more but I was afraid of I don’t
know what. I struggled with the Catholic Church; it wasn’t someplace that I
trusted. I couldn’t comprehend when I was younger how in reading the Bible,
Jesus would teach us about love and compassion and growing up in the Catholic
Church and in Catholic school the feeling was of guilt. I couldn’t reconcile
what I was living with what I was reading. If you don’t go to Church, if you
don’t confess, if you don’t do communion, guilt! confess, repent, penitence. You
are born in sin and if you don’t get baptized you will not go to heaven. I’m
not saying that being Catholic is wrong, but where was the love part?. These
rules were getting in the middle of what really mattered. God is love. We used
to sing a fun song at school, easy to memorize that kept telling me all the
time. It’s in the Bible and Paul says it too. Where? We shouted in the song.
Chapter 4, Verse 8, 1st of John.
At the end I let it go… life continued, I had just moved to Austin and was crazy busy with work. Work was my life but after 22 years I decided to leave the company that I had called home. I wanted to have control of my future and a big company wasn't allowing that. I was ready for something new and different.
I had a lot of downtime while transferring my team to other teams. I was bored and in one of those boring moments, on January 29th 2018, while I was playing some cooking game on my phone and desperately needing to upgrade my cooking stoves, an opportunity came up… win 600 gold bars if you reach level 12 in Lords Mobile! I rushed to download the app, I mean 600 gold bars was a lot of gold bars! You’re probably wondering where I’m going with this, I'm going... I promise. The game was addicted, and at certain level you needed to join a guild… I “made” friends and met some nice people. In the process of leaving my company I was also leaving a lot of my social life behind. Being new to Austin most of my relationships and social outings came from work. The game and the guild chats kept me entertained. I loved the game! it was strategy, it was clicking, building, clicking, researching, war, clicking, chatting with people, clicking 😊. February and March went by and I still had not reached the milestone needed to get those gold bars.
End of March I was invited to join another guild. It was a WOW moment. The guild was the equivalent of Hans Solo and Luke Skywalker teaming up, I was going to be part of the resistance! Fighting against the evil guild that dominated kingdom 259. I did something not like me, I left my new friends behind, friends that at the time I was now leading, for something different and exciting. New people, new friends. Some of them nice, others nicer and others too crazy. I met a guy, nope… not that kind of story… but we were the same age… so it was nice to talk to somebody that I could have at least some years in common with… his story? American living in Japan, went by the name of Fury and we connected, had our age in common and we rocked at playing trivia. We aced any question from the 80s and 90s.
Late May my uncle Morocho in Venezuela asked me to help another one of my uncles. I didn’t do it. I never, ever say no to helping… but I said no… not because I wasn’t willing to help. I’ve always done so and especially for my family. But at the time I felt that it wasn’t the right way or the right help, we needed to do something different. On Monday June 4th my uncle Morocho called me to tell me that my uncle had committed suicide over the weekend. We didn’t hear until Monday. I felt so much guilt. I couldn’t reconcile all the feelings that I was having. I knew Fury was a man of Faith and I needed to talk to somebody. I told him about my Uncle, about my feelings of guilt, anger towards myself. My uncle who died and I weren’t close, I couldn’t cry. I didn’t know how to process what had happened. Was I being selfish? Fury messaged me back:
Fury: Your uncle made his own life decisions. Last one was very selfish so you need to move on knowing it was his decisions and not yours that lead his life and even the end of his life. You are an amazing person Carolina but words without faith are not enough. Jesus said He is Life and that when we believe and trust Him for all of our needs He will provide. So I pray you can give Him your life so He can give you His... He already died and risen so you and I can have eternal life. :-) isn’t that awesome! Our God died so we could live. Our God sent His son to suffer and die just to be raised to heaven so that He could send His Spirit to all those who trust in Him. I never would have made it to where I am today without him! I can’t imagine living a day without him.
His words hit me in such a strong way. I couldn’t explain it and I couldn’t stop crying. I read again what he had written and felt so connected to that day in Jerusalem. I shared my blog with him. He told me that God was trying to speak to me. Before I went to bed that night I asked him what his favorite prayer was. I needed to pray.
At the end I let it go… life continued, I had just moved to Austin and was crazy busy with work. Work was my life but after 22 years I decided to leave the company that I had called home. I wanted to have control of my future and a big company wasn't allowing that. I was ready for something new and different.
I had a lot of downtime while transferring my team to other teams. I was bored and in one of those boring moments, on January 29th 2018, while I was playing some cooking game on my phone and desperately needing to upgrade my cooking stoves, an opportunity came up… win 600 gold bars if you reach level 12 in Lords Mobile! I rushed to download the app, I mean 600 gold bars was a lot of gold bars! You’re probably wondering where I’m going with this, I'm going... I promise. The game was addicted, and at certain level you needed to join a guild… I “made” friends and met some nice people. In the process of leaving my company I was also leaving a lot of my social life behind. Being new to Austin most of my relationships and social outings came from work. The game and the guild chats kept me entertained. I loved the game! it was strategy, it was clicking, building, clicking, researching, war, clicking, chatting with people, clicking 😊. February and March went by and I still had not reached the milestone needed to get those gold bars.
End of March I was invited to join another guild. It was a WOW moment. The guild was the equivalent of Hans Solo and Luke Skywalker teaming up, I was going to be part of the resistance! Fighting against the evil guild that dominated kingdom 259. I did something not like me, I left my new friends behind, friends that at the time I was now leading, for something different and exciting. New people, new friends. Some of them nice, others nicer and others too crazy. I met a guy, nope… not that kind of story… but we were the same age… so it was nice to talk to somebody that I could have at least some years in common with… his story? American living in Japan, went by the name of Fury and we connected, had our age in common and we rocked at playing trivia. We aced any question from the 80s and 90s.
Late May my uncle Morocho in Venezuela asked me to help another one of my uncles. I didn’t do it. I never, ever say no to helping… but I said no… not because I wasn’t willing to help. I’ve always done so and especially for my family. But at the time I felt that it wasn’t the right way or the right help, we needed to do something different. On Monday June 4th my uncle Morocho called me to tell me that my uncle had committed suicide over the weekend. We didn’t hear until Monday. I felt so much guilt. I couldn’t reconcile all the feelings that I was having. I knew Fury was a man of Faith and I needed to talk to somebody. I told him about my Uncle, about my feelings of guilt, anger towards myself. My uncle who died and I weren’t close, I couldn’t cry. I didn’t know how to process what had happened. Was I being selfish? Fury messaged me back:
Fury: Your uncle made his own life decisions. Last one was very selfish so you need to move on knowing it was his decisions and not yours that lead his life and even the end of his life. You are an amazing person Carolina but words without faith are not enough. Jesus said He is Life and that when we believe and trust Him for all of our needs He will provide. So I pray you can give Him your life so He can give you His... He already died and risen so you and I can have eternal life. :-) isn’t that awesome! Our God died so we could live. Our God sent His son to suffer and die just to be raised to heaven so that He could send His Spirit to all those who trust in Him. I never would have made it to where I am today without him! I can’t imagine living a day without him.
His words hit me in such a strong way. I couldn’t explain it and I couldn’t stop crying. I read again what he had written and felt so connected to that day in Jerusalem. I shared my blog with him. He told me that God was trying to speak to me. Before I went to bed that night I asked him what his favorite prayer was. I needed to pray.
Fury: My favorite prayer is just talking with God. Being
real and asking Him to help me. Telling Him about my day. Asking for
his Blessing, His direction and thanking Him for never forgetting me. Especially
when he was stoned and hung on a cross so that I could have eternal life with
Him in heaven. I can’t wait. The Bible says it’s a
constant party and that we are overjoyed all the time. All these
sinful pains we suffer here will be gone!
Prayers for me were something you had to memorize and
repeat. I didn’t understand his answer. I felt so touched by the way he talked
about Jesus. Like Jesus was his best friend. Not this super high power that we
all have to fear and respect. He tried to explain it to me.
Fury: So God calls us to relationship with him above
everything. The Bible says that he created us to keep him company. He says that
we should pray without ceasing. Of course we can’t really do it
exactly like that, I think what he means is that he is always there for us and
with us and he wants us to talk to him throughout our days. He doesn’t want our
leftovers at the end of the day, he wants our best. He loves us and wants to be
there for us just like our father. He is our father all of our fathers. So I
encourage you to seek him throughout your day. No formal prayer, just pray to
Jesus asking him to help you, to guide you and just to discuss things with him.
In the book of Revelations (ch 3 verse 20) ““Behold, I stand at the door and
knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come into him and
eat with him, and he with me. The one who conquers, I will grant him to sit
with me on my throne, as I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his
throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the
churches.'" We are His church on earth, so my prayer is that you ask Jesus
into your heart. That you acknowledge He died for our sins and need
Him as Savior and Lord in your life. I really hear you and know God
is tugging on your heart. Let Him In! He changed my life forever.
And then it became clear to me, why that connection to
what I felt with Jesus in Jerusalem. This time I didn’t want to let Him go.
Jesus loved us and He died for us. I knew it and I felt it and this time He
made sure that I heard it loud and clear. He had a spoke person, all the way
from Okinawa, who I found through a war game (not my cup of tea) through a
rising “it” guild that recruited me (a small player). He had reconnected me
with that moment in Jerusalem saying the right thing at the right time. I found
out months later that Fury had downloaded the game on January 29th,
I was speechless once again, we had downloaded the game the same day. Did God
have a plan all along? For me it felt like it.
Fury: By the way- reading the Bible Is awesome. If
you don’t have a daily reading plan I’d encourage you to start in the book of
John. That’s where I started and God really changed me from a horrible sinner
to a repentive sinner who runs from sin and temptation because of the Holy
Spirit he gave me to help me.I will read it with you if you like. The
YouVersion Bible App is great to have access to His word wherever I go. Ok
thanks for letting me speak of God and how His Grace is sooo awesome! Sleep
well.
I started reading the Bible and I had sooooooooooo
many questions. Ross (Fury) answered them as much as he felt he could or should
because as I discovered later, it’s all about a personal journey, his journey
was different than mine. His answers would be different than the ones I needed
to figure out. I understood this later, at the time I would get frustrated when
I didn’t get a straight answer to a question. And for context I was probably
asking over 20 questions each day!
For the next weeks I was sensitive to all. I felt like I was seeing and breathing for the first time. Every breeze was God telling me, I got you. I would read outside and hear the birds singing, the wind blowing, the sun coming through the trees and I felt God was telling me, I’m here for you.
Ross told me that I should go to Church and I said “not happening! I don’t do Church”. He knew that my thirst for knowledge, for connection, for learning to live the Way of Christ was something that I was not going to find through a messaging app long distance. I felt very strong against the Church at the time, I had been avoiding it for decades. I had said no to the Catholic Church and coming from a Catholic country all these different Churches in the US were very confusing. What I knew of Churches? crazy televangelist, mean Priest that didn’t let people dance in their towns, money pit, John Oliver’s report on Last Week Tonight and Scientology! Church was not going to be the place where I would explore. I bought books, but my questions, feelings, thoughts were escalating, my thirst wouldn’t calm down.
The answer that I needed came through my friend Rae. Let me tell you about Rae. Rae had become my best friend in Austin, she was a ray of hope (no pun intended) when I had to start my life all over again. When I moved to Austin, Rae had told me about Gateway… cool church, close to your house. Me? Nah… I don’t do Church. You should check it out she said, very Austin, they talk about things in a way you can understand them. It’s not what you think. I said no, many times. One June evening at my house I told Rae: “I’mhavingaconnectionwithJesusandI’moverwhelmedandIdon’tknowwhattodo”. Her answer? go to Gateway… She told me she was agnostic, kinda Buddhist and enjoyed going to Gateway, although at the time she had stopped going. For her it was obvious what I had to do. If my agnostic, kinda Buddhist friend had been going to this Christian Church why not give it a try?. On June 24th 2018, I went to Church. I sat my Mother down and told her, there’s this thing that I want to explore and I want to go to Church, she looked at me like the sky had fallen and she didn’t understand why but as the loving and supportive mother she is, she said I’ll come with you. Later I found out that she wanted to make sure it wasn’t a cult, LOL… I guess she had seen the same movies and tv shows as me. Gateway was not a church as I knew them to be. People were dressed as people and not as a Sunday only version of themselves. Happy people everywhere, warm and welcoming. Why are they smiling so much? Suspicious!
I walked into the building, it was an auditorium, no crosses or anything that reflected what I thought I knew about a Church. It seemed that the service was going to start with music, they had a band, lights, singers. Was this a special Sunday? My friend Ross had introduced me to Worship music. The songs were so beautiful, a reflection of how Jesus moved people and yes, I started crying. These songs touched my heart, soul and spirit. I was in awe of how Faith was moving people to write the lyrics that they wrote. After Worship we were welcomed, come as you are, it’s OK if you are just checking us out, it’s ok if you’re new in Faith, it’s ok whoever and wherever you are, it’s OK. It felt good, service started… Justin McCarty came out and introduced himself as Gateway’s North Campus Pastor and my first thought was… Pastors wear jeans? He was just like me and you… if you’re a Christian I’m sure you will understand and won’t get jealous to know, that that service that day was only and exclusively for me. Not sure what the other hundreds of people were doing there. Justin talked about how it was OK to be a dabbler, to explore faith and life with Jesus and that when you were ready, ready to be a disciple you had to go all in because it was the offer of a lifetime! the sooner the better. I didn’t get any answers and got tons of questions in return. I guess God told him that I was coming 😊.
Gateway had something called Starting Gate… if you wanted to know about the Church… get connected, be involved… fill a connect card… I was lost with what they were saying, but if it was going to provide me with answers I was planning to be there. Starting Gate didn’t give me answers either, but I signed up to volunteer or like they called it to serve on the production team. I guess people there had to know more, right? I was going to volunteer as a camera operator filming the services on Sundays. They had other options: Hospitality/Greeting but I thought I was too freaked out to welcome anybody, Kid’s school but I didn’t feel I was in the place to talk to kids about God. So, production team and cameras it was.On my way to my car I bumped into Justin. Should I call him Justin? Pastor? I felt a need to introduce myself. Hi, today is my first day… (I was still overwhelmed, over sensitive and those tears were piling up in my eyes). I was trying not to cry; I was feeling so much. It was a verbal explosion of me wanting to say so much while trying not cry, he looked at me in a way that told me I was probably not coherent, totally not his fault. I told him that I had never experienced anything like that day’s service. That I grew up in a Catholic Church and left as a teenager, that I didn’t know things could be this way, that I had so many questions, feelings. I didn’t give him a chance to speak. It was time to run before I embarrassed myself more and he managed to fit in a: “I hope to see you come back”.
I went back, not only did I go back but every Sunday my smile got bigger. I would walk in listening in my head to The Beach Boys’ version of the soundtrack of my life and I got it… this is what everybody was feeling when they arrived at Gateway, no wonder they were smiling!I started serving in the production team and with that came a sense of belonging. I have my phone on alert whenever an email is sent asking for volunteers. It starts jumping up and down, making crazy noises and vibrating to Beethoven’s Fifth symphony. I reply right away, me! I’m in!
Serving on cameras gives me a unique opportunity to be backstage, behind the scenes. The first time I saw John Burke I went and introduced myself to him after the production meeting. John is Gateway’s Senior Pastor and founder. Hi, my name is Carolina, thank you for Gateway. He was super nice and said, Carlina? I tried correcting him: Carolena. Oh… Corolena? I went again: nope, Caroleeeena. He didn’t want to give up, Carleena? I gave him a break, don’t worry… you’ll get it soon. Story of my life 😊.Three weeks later I was serving again. John saw me and smiled and went for it. Hi! Carleena? He had tried… I believed he might have even practiced. So, we gave it another try: “OK, follow me, it’s spelled Carolina like the state but put an “e” where the “i” goes.” Carolena? Yep, he got it!!! When you think of a Senior Pastor, leader and founder of your Church you never imagine John Burke, or at least I didn't for sure. He is fascinated by people, fascinated by people’s stories, he’s kind, humble and thankful (for real), he’s still in awe of what they have achieved, in awe of the world around him and the transformations: what God is doing in the world. To be backstage and see how our Pastors embody all the goodness that it is to live the Jesus life is a motivation for me to do more. It was a gift to have John and Justin inspiring my first steps.
In September I joined a class called Alpha. Alpha is an 8 weeks course where anybody can come and ask questions, no judgement and a safe setting to talk about what Christianity is, Jesus, the Bible... It’s opened to all no matter where you are in your Faith or not. So I dragged Rae with me, it seemed perfectly fit. Rae had started coming back to Church. Alpha seemed to be the perfect place for us to get the answers that we needed. I was committed to follow Jesus but didn’t know how. I felt I didn’t belong among other Christians. I was sure everybody already knew everything and had all their act together. I was wrong!!! My “aha” moment came one day when we asked Pat, the leader of our group what were his thoughts on something, he answered with a peaceful smile “I don’t know, I’m still trying to figure it out”. That was the moment that I really understood accepting God in our lives is just the beginning and regardless of this, we are all Children of God, we are equals and at different stages of our relationship with Him. Alpha allowed me to start building my foundation. To stand firm on the ground and embrace my Christianity, my love of God, my study of the life of Jesus and the word.
On December 16th 2018, six months after opening my life to God and with Pat, my Alpha group leader by my side, I got baptized. We each have our own reasons to take that step. For me? Jesus had me at hello… OK, not true, God had me after knocking at my door a couple of times until it was impossible for me to keep missing what was happening. I was building my relationship with Christ; one I didn’t know that was possible. During one of our Alpha nights, somebody said that being a Christian was knowing he would never be alone. We always had somebody by our side. I feel more sense of belonging than ever. Being baptized was me deciding to be a disciple and no longer a dabbler. It’s my declaration that I’m all in and there was no stopping me because I had a mission. I believe that we all are instrument of His love. We have free will, but life is so much better when it’s His will and not ours. With Him, we are a team and as far as my journey? It’s ok to still be exploring, learning and have questions.
The Holy Spirit is as mysterious as Christianity can get, in my humble opinion… and it’s so powerful! The Holy Spirit came, it didn’t knock at my door and I didn’t fall on the ground. It just hugged me one evening when I was preparing for the next Alpha course. After being a participant, I had now signed up to be a facilitator. Alpha was very fundamental in understanding who I was as a Christian, I couldn’t wait to be there for others. I wanted them to know that it was OK, to not be afraid and that we all have a journey. I prayed and I simply said, “Please Holy Spirit Come” and it did. I wanted Him to guide my words to reach those that wanted to know Him, to those that felt they didn’t belong and I know it did.
I’m bursting with energy of all the things I want to do. All the ways that I want to help. Exploring what is my calling, my purpose growing in Faith, continuing my journey. Being an unchurched person and going all in with the Church is not easy… when I started, I had no idea what a ministry was, or when somebody asked me if I was living in communion with others, you should have seen my face… I heard of Lifegroups, Running Groups, Small Groups, Networks and I was like, yes please one of each! Don’t know what it is but I’m in. I want to help, I want to serve, I want to learn, I want to grow…
I have met amazing people, loving people, inspiring people, real people. God gives us relationships and community. I’ve seen the power of prayer and I’m in awe at how God can use any of us to deliver a message with no meaning to the messenger, but to the receptor it means “I see you, I love you, I got you”.
The Church has given me the opportunity to be myself and use my strengths. My head is exploding with ideas of what WE can do and yes, I include myself in my Church. We are in it together! We want to open Alpha for Spanish speaking people. We want to touch somebody’s life with the Marketplace Network. I hope that my joy of serving on cameras catches somebody’s attention, enough for them to think that it’s “cool” and gets motivated to serve and be transformed just like it started to transform me. So many opportunities to touch people’s life’s and let them know, they are loved by God and we got their back.I have great people around me and friends, a Lifegroup and 2 small groups of running partners, yes, I need two 😊 and guess what? Rae is a part of them!
Exploring and in her own journey. I need to figure out a way to sneak in a red phone into the Pastor’s offices for me to call. The questions and the thirst for knowledge doesn’t go away. I have challenges too, I want to know more, I question more. I have to learn to let go, to trust God more. I’m used to being the one in control and we limit God when we want to control our lives, because His plan for us is so much bigger and better than what we can ever imagine. I want to hear Him louder and when I do I want to not be scared that he’s talking back to me. It’s scary at times, it comes with responsibility. I still have a lot to understand and for many it's still the case after years or decades, so it's OK if I don't know or understand it all. The Bible is fascinating and no matter how you read it, it will always say something different, it lives and breaths. Most of the times not easy but some days just on point. One day I will have read all the Bible at least once and by the time I finish I might feel in the same place where I started, well... maybe 10 steps forward but I'll be excited to start all over again, after all, there's a reason it's the greatest book every written. And by the way, this is still me… good ol’ Carolina… just with an upgrade and the power of faith and belief that everything can be done through God.
God told Jeremiah, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations”. June 5th is the anniversary of me accepting God in my life. He might disagree with me that our anniversary was way before and while I’m no Jeremiah, he knew me in my mother’s womb. But June 5th2018? that was the day I, Carolina, said to God please come in, take a seat, get comfy and fasten your seat-belt. Happy Anniversary!
For the next weeks I was sensitive to all. I felt like I was seeing and breathing for the first time. Every breeze was God telling me, I got you. I would read outside and hear the birds singing, the wind blowing, the sun coming through the trees and I felt God was telling me, I’m here for you.
Ross told me that I should go to Church and I said “not happening! I don’t do Church”. He knew that my thirst for knowledge, for connection, for learning to live the Way of Christ was something that I was not going to find through a messaging app long distance. I felt very strong against the Church at the time, I had been avoiding it for decades. I had said no to the Catholic Church and coming from a Catholic country all these different Churches in the US were very confusing. What I knew of Churches? crazy televangelist, mean Priest that didn’t let people dance in their towns, money pit, John Oliver’s report on Last Week Tonight and Scientology! Church was not going to be the place where I would explore. I bought books, but my questions, feelings, thoughts were escalating, my thirst wouldn’t calm down.
The answer that I needed came through my friend Rae. Let me tell you about Rae. Rae had become my best friend in Austin, she was a ray of hope (no pun intended) when I had to start my life all over again. When I moved to Austin, Rae had told me about Gateway… cool church, close to your house. Me? Nah… I don’t do Church. You should check it out she said, very Austin, they talk about things in a way you can understand them. It’s not what you think. I said no, many times. One June evening at my house I told Rae: “I’mhavingaconnectionwithJesusandI’moverwhelmedandIdon’tknowwhattodo”. Her answer? go to Gateway… She told me she was agnostic, kinda Buddhist and enjoyed going to Gateway, although at the time she had stopped going. For her it was obvious what I had to do. If my agnostic, kinda Buddhist friend had been going to this Christian Church why not give it a try?. On June 24th 2018, I went to Church. I sat my Mother down and told her, there’s this thing that I want to explore and I want to go to Church, she looked at me like the sky had fallen and she didn’t understand why but as the loving and supportive mother she is, she said I’ll come with you. Later I found out that she wanted to make sure it wasn’t a cult, LOL… I guess she had seen the same movies and tv shows as me. Gateway was not a church as I knew them to be. People were dressed as people and not as a Sunday only version of themselves. Happy people everywhere, warm and welcoming. Why are they smiling so much? Suspicious!
I walked into the building, it was an auditorium, no crosses or anything that reflected what I thought I knew about a Church. It seemed that the service was going to start with music, they had a band, lights, singers. Was this a special Sunday? My friend Ross had introduced me to Worship music. The songs were so beautiful, a reflection of how Jesus moved people and yes, I started crying. These songs touched my heart, soul and spirit. I was in awe of how Faith was moving people to write the lyrics that they wrote. After Worship we were welcomed, come as you are, it’s OK if you are just checking us out, it’s ok if you’re new in Faith, it’s ok whoever and wherever you are, it’s OK. It felt good, service started… Justin McCarty came out and introduced himself as Gateway’s North Campus Pastor and my first thought was… Pastors wear jeans? He was just like me and you… if you’re a Christian I’m sure you will understand and won’t get jealous to know, that that service that day was only and exclusively for me. Not sure what the other hundreds of people were doing there. Justin talked about how it was OK to be a dabbler, to explore faith and life with Jesus and that when you were ready, ready to be a disciple you had to go all in because it was the offer of a lifetime! the sooner the better. I didn’t get any answers and got tons of questions in return. I guess God told him that I was coming 😊.
Gateway had something called Starting Gate… if you wanted to know about the Church… get connected, be involved… fill a connect card… I was lost with what they were saying, but if it was going to provide me with answers I was planning to be there. Starting Gate didn’t give me answers either, but I signed up to volunteer or like they called it to serve on the production team. I guess people there had to know more, right? I was going to volunteer as a camera operator filming the services on Sundays. They had other options: Hospitality/Greeting but I thought I was too freaked out to welcome anybody, Kid’s school but I didn’t feel I was in the place to talk to kids about God. So, production team and cameras it was.On my way to my car I bumped into Justin. Should I call him Justin? Pastor? I felt a need to introduce myself. Hi, today is my first day… (I was still overwhelmed, over sensitive and those tears were piling up in my eyes). I was trying not to cry; I was feeling so much. It was a verbal explosion of me wanting to say so much while trying not cry, he looked at me in a way that told me I was probably not coherent, totally not his fault. I told him that I had never experienced anything like that day’s service. That I grew up in a Catholic Church and left as a teenager, that I didn’t know things could be this way, that I had so many questions, feelings. I didn’t give him a chance to speak. It was time to run before I embarrassed myself more and he managed to fit in a: “I hope to see you come back”.
I went back, not only did I go back but every Sunday my smile got bigger. I would walk in listening in my head to The Beach Boys’ version of the soundtrack of my life and I got it… this is what everybody was feeling when they arrived at Gateway, no wonder they were smiling!I started serving in the production team and with that came a sense of belonging. I have my phone on alert whenever an email is sent asking for volunteers. It starts jumping up and down, making crazy noises and vibrating to Beethoven’s Fifth symphony. I reply right away, me! I’m in!
Serving on cameras gives me a unique opportunity to be backstage, behind the scenes. The first time I saw John Burke I went and introduced myself to him after the production meeting. John is Gateway’s Senior Pastor and founder. Hi, my name is Carolina, thank you for Gateway. He was super nice and said, Carlina? I tried correcting him: Carolena. Oh… Corolena? I went again: nope, Caroleeeena. He didn’t want to give up, Carleena? I gave him a break, don’t worry… you’ll get it soon. Story of my life 😊.Three weeks later I was serving again. John saw me and smiled and went for it. Hi! Carleena? He had tried… I believed he might have even practiced. So, we gave it another try: “OK, follow me, it’s spelled Carolina like the state but put an “e” where the “i” goes.” Carolena? Yep, he got it!!! When you think of a Senior Pastor, leader and founder of your Church you never imagine John Burke, or at least I didn't for sure. He is fascinated by people, fascinated by people’s stories, he’s kind, humble and thankful (for real), he’s still in awe of what they have achieved, in awe of the world around him and the transformations: what God is doing in the world. To be backstage and see how our Pastors embody all the goodness that it is to live the Jesus life is a motivation for me to do more. It was a gift to have John and Justin inspiring my first steps.
In September I joined a class called Alpha. Alpha is an 8 weeks course where anybody can come and ask questions, no judgement and a safe setting to talk about what Christianity is, Jesus, the Bible... It’s opened to all no matter where you are in your Faith or not. So I dragged Rae with me, it seemed perfectly fit. Rae had started coming back to Church. Alpha seemed to be the perfect place for us to get the answers that we needed. I was committed to follow Jesus but didn’t know how. I felt I didn’t belong among other Christians. I was sure everybody already knew everything and had all their act together. I was wrong!!! My “aha” moment came one day when we asked Pat, the leader of our group what were his thoughts on something, he answered with a peaceful smile “I don’t know, I’m still trying to figure it out”. That was the moment that I really understood accepting God in our lives is just the beginning and regardless of this, we are all Children of God, we are equals and at different stages of our relationship with Him. Alpha allowed me to start building my foundation. To stand firm on the ground and embrace my Christianity, my love of God, my study of the life of Jesus and the word.
On December 16th 2018, six months after opening my life to God and with Pat, my Alpha group leader by my side, I got baptized. We each have our own reasons to take that step. For me? Jesus had me at hello… OK, not true, God had me after knocking at my door a couple of times until it was impossible for me to keep missing what was happening. I was building my relationship with Christ; one I didn’t know that was possible. During one of our Alpha nights, somebody said that being a Christian was knowing he would never be alone. We always had somebody by our side. I feel more sense of belonging than ever. Being baptized was me deciding to be a disciple and no longer a dabbler. It’s my declaration that I’m all in and there was no stopping me because I had a mission. I believe that we all are instrument of His love. We have free will, but life is so much better when it’s His will and not ours. With Him, we are a team and as far as my journey? It’s ok to still be exploring, learning and have questions.
The Holy Spirit is as mysterious as Christianity can get, in my humble opinion… and it’s so powerful! The Holy Spirit came, it didn’t knock at my door and I didn’t fall on the ground. It just hugged me one evening when I was preparing for the next Alpha course. After being a participant, I had now signed up to be a facilitator. Alpha was very fundamental in understanding who I was as a Christian, I couldn’t wait to be there for others. I wanted them to know that it was OK, to not be afraid and that we all have a journey. I prayed and I simply said, “Please Holy Spirit Come” and it did. I wanted Him to guide my words to reach those that wanted to know Him, to those that felt they didn’t belong and I know it did.
I’m bursting with energy of all the things I want to do. All the ways that I want to help. Exploring what is my calling, my purpose growing in Faith, continuing my journey. Being an unchurched person and going all in with the Church is not easy… when I started, I had no idea what a ministry was, or when somebody asked me if I was living in communion with others, you should have seen my face… I heard of Lifegroups, Running Groups, Small Groups, Networks and I was like, yes please one of each! Don’t know what it is but I’m in. I want to help, I want to serve, I want to learn, I want to grow…
I have met amazing people, loving people, inspiring people, real people. God gives us relationships and community. I’ve seen the power of prayer and I’m in awe at how God can use any of us to deliver a message with no meaning to the messenger, but to the receptor it means “I see you, I love you, I got you”.
The Church has given me the opportunity to be myself and use my strengths. My head is exploding with ideas of what WE can do and yes, I include myself in my Church. We are in it together! We want to open Alpha for Spanish speaking people. We want to touch somebody’s life with the Marketplace Network. I hope that my joy of serving on cameras catches somebody’s attention, enough for them to think that it’s “cool” and gets motivated to serve and be transformed just like it started to transform me. So many opportunities to touch people’s life’s and let them know, they are loved by God and we got their back.I have great people around me and friends, a Lifegroup and 2 small groups of running partners, yes, I need two 😊 and guess what? Rae is a part of them!
Exploring and in her own journey. I need to figure out a way to sneak in a red phone into the Pastor’s offices for me to call. The questions and the thirst for knowledge doesn’t go away. I have challenges too, I want to know more, I question more. I have to learn to let go, to trust God more. I’m used to being the one in control and we limit God when we want to control our lives, because His plan for us is so much bigger and better than what we can ever imagine. I want to hear Him louder and when I do I want to not be scared that he’s talking back to me. It’s scary at times, it comes with responsibility. I still have a lot to understand and for many it's still the case after years or decades, so it's OK if I don't know or understand it all. The Bible is fascinating and no matter how you read it, it will always say something different, it lives and breaths. Most of the times not easy but some days just on point. One day I will have read all the Bible at least once and by the time I finish I might feel in the same place where I started, well... maybe 10 steps forward but I'll be excited to start all over again, after all, there's a reason it's the greatest book every written. And by the way, this is still me… good ol’ Carolina… just with an upgrade and the power of faith and belief that everything can be done through God.
God told Jeremiah, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations”. June 5th is the anniversary of me accepting God in my life. He might disagree with me that our anniversary was way before and while I’m no Jeremiah, he knew me in my mother’s womb. But June 5th2018? that was the day I, Carolina, said to God please come in, take a seat, get comfy and fasten your seat-belt. Happy Anniversary!
Comments
Such a rollercoaster journey! Keep calm and press on!