Finding Freedom

 

Today is Mental Health day and many people are sharing and posting to create awareness. Some of you might wonder why do we need to create awareness? For me it is very simple... if not treated it can cause death and you, yes you, who is reading this can be the beginning of the cure.

Contrary to many physical health issues where we need medical doctors with years of studies, this is one condition that you, me, any of us can start the healing process by just saying: I hear you, tell me more, I love you, I’m here for you, I see you, I’ll stop by, let’s get coffee or tea, I believe you. You can be that one person that makes a difference and what a difference that is.

Many of us tend to think we do not know anybody with this illness because there’s an extreme belief that you’re either found in a mental health institution or a dysfunction in our society and that’s not true. Before it gets to that point, long before, we are walking all around you.

Yes, I said we, and more specifically me. I would love to share a little bit more of me, actually a lot (I never keep it short... LOL). Most of you that know me, know me as happy and caring. You see me as successful at work and in positions of power, traveled the world and speak many languages (yes, some people measure success by this). You know me as friendly and always positive. And yes, all that is me.

But few people know another part of me.

The one that battles insecurities. I grew up in an abusive home, a grew up with a father that always told me that I was stupid and imperfect that I was cursed, that he owned me, and I didn’t deserve anything. We know, unfortunately, that when we are weak (or in my case young), when things get repeated to us, they become truth in our mind.

So, I grew up with that truth. That I was imperfect. I grew up feeling that nobody would want me because I was defective. When I weighed 130lb I thought I was fat, in a country where growing up the goal is to become Miss Venezuela. Hey, to this day one of my uncles still nags me because how is it possible that I don’t wear red lipstick or straighten my hair… that’s what Venezuelan women do! Not a place to build self confidence at times and this uncle loves me! Imagine if he didn’t .

I never fit, I never belonged.

You might know I grew up in Scotland, as a little girl my life was climbing trees, playing outside in the woods and mud, rode my bike everywhere! I had ballet classes and music, I was encouraged to have my imagination fly free. I moved back to Venezuela when I was eleven, to a concrete jungle. Everything I loved  disappeared, the place where I felt normal was gone. 

I joined an all-girl kinda snobbish Catholic school. They all laughed at me the first day of school because of the way I dressed that day. As an eleven year old girl coming from the UK, the day before Princess Diana married Prince Charles, my icon was Lady Di… British fashion was not considered fashion in Caracas at all. School was strict, too serious, no time for imagination. I used to love school and now I wanted to avoid it. Not having self confidence made school and my teenage years a nightmare. I just did not belong and was always the weird one out, I was different and not cool enough for them... I didn’t even know who Menudo was! 

If I eventually gained any sense of normalcy, it went away when for what could be the equivalent of the sweet sixteen parties that I got invited to “Quinceaneras” (very few), I was obliged to have my father with me as my chaperon. So, while the other girls went with their boyfriends or were dropped off by their parents, I had to be escorted by my father. A father that also drank more than he should. So, at 15 I was trying to figure out how I could disappear from the world I lived in.

In my 20s and 30s, I was that person that you have seen or gotten to know, but I was also the one fighting with anxiety and insecurities. While I got promoted and constantly had positive feedback, I was battling an identity crisis because the person that I wanted to be, the one I needed to be, didn’t match the person that wanted to take over inside. I suffered from depression and anxiety, had alopecia but always had to keep the image that I was in control of it all.

I wasn’t free. What my father told me kept hunting me because I had made it a truth in my life.

The definition of health is “The state of being free from illness or injury”.

Freedom is one of the things I value the most. To be free... from my thoughts and memories. Free from anxiety and hurt.

I don’t know why I wasn’t a statistic, but God sent to my life so many angels that while they didn’t know it, they never gave up on me: Paquita and Eric, Karina, Jorge, Catherine, Luciana, Janice, Mo, Dorrie, Rae. They kept calling or knocking at my door. They were not giving up on me and I knew that but still would push them away every chance I had. 

Despite all that, I never stopped having hope, I never stopped loving and caring. I knew that love, kindness, care existed because I was able to feel them all towards others. I think in a way this saved my life. I just did not give others the chance to give it back to me, or if I did it was in a controlled manner, controlled by me so I wouldn’t get hurt when they left after finding out I was defective.

But with hope also came the knowledge of happiness. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a positive person but I always said that I chose to be happy, that every day I woke up I could make a list of all the crappy things in my life and they were bigger than all the good things, but I chose to be happy. So I was happy most of the time, for real and but there were also times when I wasn’t.

The dark side never won but was always there. I fought it every day, just enough to keep it in the closet, but I didn’t have the tools to make it go away. It influenced so many decisions in my life and always in a bad way. It took away me living a life to the fullest. Developing trusting relationships that I was craving.

I never asked for help.

I cannot say I was living a lie because I wasn’t, who you’ve met is me. But the other one that you did not, was also me. Not being able to be “one” was a heavy weight that added to my insecurities and anxieties.

It introduced shame to my life. I did go to therapy, when I couldn’t breath, when it became too much… but even in therapy I was never honest. Being honest meant me letting go of that control that kept me together. A functional human being in the world.

I wasn’t truly happy until I became free.

I became truly free when I had the confidence to start speaking up. To confront my demons. What many years of therapy could not do, coming to faith did and finally having the loving Father I never had. I guess being in my 40s also helped because at that time you stop caring about a lot of things in a good way... what society tells you who you should be.

I lived with shame all my life hiding my truth, that I was two very different people. When you hide you can’t see clear and everything that is said to you is distorted in your mind.

Yes, there are many people in the world suffering from mental illness and it can even be you.

I did not recognize I needed help, true help.

I would not answer the door when somebody came to visit because they cared for me, I was crying on the other side. Craving that human contact that was reaching out but I would push them away protecting myself from being vulnerable because they would know I came with that imperfect tag. I would not answer the phone when somebody called me to ask “how are you?”

I didn’t ask for help when I started eating a whole pizza because of the anxiety of having to stand in front of people to show how good I was at my job and was kicking behinds. It’s the culture we’re in, my team had to be the best ever, I had to be the best ever... How was I fooling them? I felt like an imposter, but yet I knew I was good at what I did. It was driving me crazy having two opposite thoughts living in me!

How did I survive? Besides my angels, letting my insecurities come out from time to time in my lonely times, so I had a lot of those. Isolation was a blessing, but it was not the solution. It would provide me the opportunity to free my mind of the barriers I was putting up and let the negative thoughts take over. I needed those moments of freedom, rest, and peace that came with not having to battle against them. I've spent a lot of time on my own.

As you might remember, I came to faith just over two years ago… actually it’s less… let’s say that I invited Jesus into my life on June 5^th, 2018, but faith? Coming to faith, is another story.

During my third service ever at Church the message was about “Family Secrets”, Camille Hall was talking about how, when we hide from others who we are, we live a lie that weighs heavily on us. But what gave me the bravery to take that first step that I needed came when she went to scriptures:

Genesis 3:8-10

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

Here I was listening to Camille letting me know that if I kept keeping secrets, hiding, it would keep me away from truly finding God. I had secrets, I was hiding. I was at a point in my life that I felt I was going to explode if I didn't come to peace and just like my first service two weeks earlier this one was just for me.

I broke… I could not stop crying, freedom was desperate to get out, it was screaming and shouting inside of me. I called my friend Ross (Fury) and he said, you must speak to your Pastor, you need your Church to help and guide you. So, I sent an email that Sunday night to Justin, who was our Pastor back then. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do: I was asking for help. 

Monday morning, I had a response "we are here for you". I’ve never been so scared, this was new territory that I couldn't control. But when the first person that you meet walking into Gateway is Mo, when she tells you, “You’re going to be alright”, you ARE going to be alright 😊. I couldn’t stop crying, I’ve never been as broken as I was in that moment. She held my hand, she shared her story, she cried with me. She is pure gold injected with God’s goodness… I felt like I belonged there with her. 

She introduced me to Bree and Bree and I talked and talked, and I cried for over two hours. You see? there is more to what you've read, but that will be a story for another day. So we prayed together and at that moment I understood the power of prayer, the power of the Holy Spirit. It was there with us. I was letting go, I was giving my first steps to be free. I had no shame in talking to Bree, letting her know everything that was inside of me like I had never done before. I felt like I belonged there with her. She asked me to talk to my family, those close to me. It was how I would find my freedom and that night, that me that was always meant to be was giving her first steps.

While I did sign up to start volunteering at Church my first time there, I kept declining all requests… fear and anxiety kept me frozen from touching a camera. In this new found mini freedom I was having, I messaged Rob, the director at Church and asked him if I could come back again for more training and questions… I was going to do this. If there is one person that might look scary at first but is the most loving and caring that is Rob (sorry Rob... I know you're a super sweetheart... with all due respect Amy 😊). He gave me the confidence that I needed to do it with fear and guess what? I survived… he believed in me and gave me the confidence to come back and I did, week after week. He made me feel like I belonged there.

When I invited Jesus into my life Ross kept telling me it was a BIG deal that Jesus died to save me… honestly, I didn’t understand what it meant. I mean I knew this to be true. In the most amazing way I had felt that in Jerusalem. I had suddenly become aware of this amazing loving person that I did not know, who had died for me. That would give up His own life for mine, I knew and felt that, but I did not know or understood why? I kept saying that I did not need to be saved, my life wasn’t a mess… remember? I had my act together, I was fully functional, with the seal of society's approval. That said, I did see how He had started to heal me... but saving? He could go and focus on other people that needed it more, I was fine. 

Coming to faith, for me was a journey. It was an awareness that everything I have is because of His grace and mercy and not because I earned it (at all). Yes, we work hard but what He gives us is so much more than a material acquisition or a promotion at work or any recognition. This talk of living water? It’s real… and nope… I am not going to even try to explain it but here’s the thing… what we have thanks to His grace and mercy? We don’t have to pay it back, not in the way you see things on earth. If anything, what He wants is that we take advantage of it. That we live in a relationship with Him, that we abide in him, just as he abides in us. That he can make us this person you never thought you can be, in connection with Him, yep… that living water kinda comes in again and that the overflow belongs to him to impact others, like my Pastor says, life by life. 

God, our Father wants us to pray and make Him a part of our lives and like I heard Him one day when I was chatting with Him and asked why did I need to pray if I was talking with Him always… it came loud and clear. He said: “Carolina, you talk to me, but if you don’t pray then you don’t let Me talk to you”. Yes, God dropped the mic after that…

The Church is more than the sum of its part. There are all these bits and pieces. It is called the body of Christ (another term that took me forever to figure out), but you know what? Keeping it simple? yes… it is full of bodies, LOL… of you and me and so many others, but wouldn’t you agree that we are more than the sum of our parts? The Church that I know, my Church, Gateway Community Church in Austin (nope… I’m not getting paid for the plug) gives me kindness, acceptance, understanding, makes me humble, it brings to my life loving and caring people and people willing to share. I never knew or understood sharing until Nicole shared, she hosted our table at a women's breakfast and I felt again like I totally belonged. 

I remember the first time I felt somebody was seeing me, or maybe it was the first time I was letting myself be seen. I used to hide in a corner in the green room (backstage) during my camera day. John came to my corner and he asked me how did I get there... I didn’t know I had a story or that this story was worth telling, I started talking... he wanted to know more... With his questions and his expressions he was rewriting my story. He made me see that God had chased me in an incredible way. I wasn’t Carolina who was not loved by her biological father. I was Carolina who was loved so much by a Father I was getting to know, a Father that jumped through all the hoops across the world to get me, one of many lost sheep. It was the first time I realized, through this messenger (overly qualified for the job btw  ☺️) that I meant something to Him, to our Father... the BIG one. I was receiving a validation that I didn’t know I needed. John asked me to write my story down for him. Big mistake, huge! I’m kidding… but I understand now that I have a story to be shared. It’s not my story, it’s His story, His Glory.

That moment changed things for me big time. From that day on I never stood or hid in the corner anymore. 

Rob, Mo, Bree, Nicole, John, without knowing, were being used by God to let me know that I belonged and this was only the beginning. Through them, God was giving me the footprint to walk with Him and be that person in other peoples lives. 

When I accepted Jesus in my life, it felt like I had a crush. WOW, what a crush and a high I was living in. I would walk and the breeze in my face was an awareness of Him, that He created it all. I started to work more outside because it was a gift from God, the birds, the trees, the sky, the sun… the mosquitos? Yes, God created them… but the devil for sure controls them! Seriously…

I was determined to date Him, ok, I didn’t know that’s what I was doing until one day, not long ago, in a small group that I was leading, they asked me why they didn’t feel Him in their hearts. I'm very involved with people that are new to faith, discovering or exploring faith. Just like me in a way. When I prayed that night it came to me. They had to date God! 

To know God, to hear His voice and guidance, is like when you start going out with somebody. You first meet, mine was a total blind date that I didn’t even know I was in… but then after that it’s the getting to know you, you talk (pray), you share your likes and dislikes, little by little you get to understand His quirks, the little messages that He leaves behind, the whispers. One day you start smiling, you know He’s there with you. We also disagree and fight and compromise but one day it happens, you are in love, your trust Him, you know He won't hurt you. It’s that feeling that no matter what happens, He will always be there for you. So date Him… you only have to bring two things to that first date: you and trust. I know trust is not easy, but you don't have to start with blind trust. Trust He’s there, trust He wants you, trust He wants to hear from you.

There is one irony though. In a way I still have two lives. There’s the one I live with God where he gives me grace and mercy every day and then love, peace, joy... Oh, the fruits of the spirit...

 Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 

The other life? well, I’m still human and from this earth and so are the insecurities. It's strange, I go in doing things afraid but at peace. These insecurities also make me feel guilty, why me when there are others in the world that need it more? Well, I'm still a work in progress... 

Not long ago I was asked to speak 5 min one evening on a night of prayer and adoration. Let me tell you something if you haven’t guessed or I haven’t said it yet, of course I’m terrified of speaking in public, I’m terrified of praying out loud, I don’t have the vocabulary in Spanish to talk about faith (I know, weird but true), I mean, I’m still learning the vocabulary in English! but my friend Juan, told me his story of fear and anxiety and public speaking. He was proof for me of what God can do for us. So while my fears had not left me, I had a sense of peace the whole time because that came from Him. See? two lives... 

Peace has become the love language between us. He gives us the tools to navigate this earth: prayer, His Holy Spirit and community with others. And you know what? finally one day I got it: He sent His one and only Son to die for us, for you and me to save us from a life of loneliness, of fear, of guilt so that we can have a life with Him, one based in love. One of my 100 favorite verses?

1 John 4:19

We love because He first loved us.

Yes, scientist believe that the biggest step forward in evolution was when the apes where able to touch their fingers with their thumbs, or something like that. Well, I disagree with them... it's when we learned to love, from being loved. You know how I said before that I knew love existed because I was capable of it? well now I'm connected to the source and so can you.

So how does all this tie up together? God has giving me the freedom that many years of therapy did not. Don’t get me wrong, therapy does work, I even went to therapy last year but for the rest of the time, I’m living on heavenly therapy and guess what? I am free!!!